July 2012
1 post
June 2012
5 posts
5 tags
The Death of Lonesome George
Today, June 24th of the year 2012, marks the extinction of the Pinta Island tortoise. The last of his species, Lonesome George, expired this morning at 8am. This is my final gift to you, sweet giant turtle-like creature. The world shall hear the plight of your’s and your species’ last days.
TORTOISE LOG
June 21, 2012 (I think)
They tell me I’m a hunder’d and they gasp....
WatchI haven’t done a video share yet on my blog, but this one deserves recognition. I could watch the Flubby’s scene over and over again until I die an untimely death caused by not leaving my bed. I would probably die of dehydration first.
“The perception of the comic is a tie of sympathy with other men, a pledge of...”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
6 tags
A Vampire Story
A scary story? Ahhh yes. I’ve got plenty of those, stranger. But, there’s nothing more bone-chillingly engrossing than real life, right? Let me tell you about a night not so long ago in a place not so far from this very campground. Do you have a flashlight so that I may splash an eerie glow upon my face? No? Are you sure? It would help. Still no. Then I shall begin in the pitch of...
May 2012
3 posts
“Have no fear of perfection- you’ll never reach it.”
– Salvador Dali
5 tags
Hell hath No Fury Like a Botched Relationship with...
Last weekend was a blast. I’ll start with that. It was such a blast that my lack of sleep and subsequent thirst for sleep has hampered my productivity until today (almost exactly one week later). There were a couple things I was able to take from it, however. 1) It’s fun to spend a lot of money on drinks and good times because its silly and irresponsible. 2) I’m glad to say that...
4 tags
The Taste of Victory
The Brewers and I beat my roommate’s- we’ll call him Lon Decker- Giants in a heated game of MLB 2K10 tonight and it would be a lie to say that it didn’t feel most wonderful. Howsoever, I find myself in a quandary. Why did it feel so great? It’s hard to quantify. Actually, there are more reasons to feel shame than anything resembling joy, but shame is completely absent from...
5 tags
Rap Libs
With technology where it is today, it’s understandable that our generation has a hard time keeping ourselves entertained without it. Everything from our favorite games to our favorite books have been digitized and made easily accessible to the masses. So while you’re browsing the world wide web in all its glory, I offer up to you a tool to help you entertain yourself. It’s time...
March 2012
5 posts
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting...”
– Dennis Wholey
4 tags
Super Average
Ever read comics when you were a kid and wonder if Superman got tired of saving? Me neither- kids have more important things to worry about like which Power Ranger they’re going to be at recess- but as adults we need to start putting these infallible characters under some scrutiny. Not because they can lift cars and throw them through people’s faces. What I’m wondering is if they...
“Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.”
– Oscar Wilde
2 tags
Nap Deprived
Sleep is a demon that has plagued the American Dream since its inception. How are we supposed to work tirelessly toward our futures if it’s tiring? Unfortunately, humans do need to sleep or their brains can play some pretty mean tricks on them. Early man probably coped with this crippling disability by taking naps. Somewhere along the timeline of man, someone had the audacity to proclaim...
“Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream...”
– Jim Fiebig
February 2012
8 posts
5 tags
Dishin' It Out.
While I was washing the dishes today, I came across another revelation. To give you a mental picture, when these types of thoughts strike me, I’m usually rendered useless as I helplessly drift away on a tangential life raft; try picturing me like Christopher Walken in the “The Dead Zone” when he gets a vision, but less scared looking and more zombie-like. Got it in your head?...
5 tags
Shift management
I recently started a job as a shift manager at a chain of restaurants. For job security’s sake, I will call this restaurant Uncle Chuck’s Rack-a-Lamb-a-Ding-Dong. If this place really existed, I would shamelessly try to get hired. Anyway, I must say, It’s not a bad gig so far. My duties have been to walk around the store to see if there are any matters that need my attention. If...
1 tag
“Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe...”
– Murphy’s Law
6 tags
Valentine's Day is Pretty Great
Today is Valentine’s Day, so; Happy Valentine’s Day. This is a day that is so overshadowed by the hoopla and warm feelings surrounding it that we forget to take in the subtleties of a (pretty much) contractual day of being cute. Please don’t mistake me for one of those “haters” I hear so much about. I think Valentine’s Day serves a very real purpose. Lazy boyfriends get a good, hard...
6 tags
A Message From a Bottle
I’ve heard people say the answer is never found at the bottom of a bottle. I’ll give you that one, conventional wisdom. Fortunately, a number of bottlers, such as Snapple and Magic Hat Brewery, have offered up a solution. They give bits of insight into the human condition on the bottom of their caps. As I am not presently drinking lots of Snapples, I’m going to attempt to decode...
5 tags
The All Too Quiet Clerk
There are a lot of folks you shouldn’t model your life after. Most people would agree that genocidal dictators and serial killers belong on that list. It’s a good start! The terrible people in these groups, however, have made it far too easy for people who are still pretty bad to pass as OK dudes. I’m here to help shed this blindfold from your collective eyes. Whats up with the...
“America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong...”
– Will Rogers 